On presence
issue no. 5 | slow recovery, gratitude, and noticing
Recovery has been discouraging. Our newest little baby was born at the beginning of the month. The first ten days we spent with her were wonderful. Despite complications during her birth, I felt that my recovery this time was the most slow, peaceful, and confident I had ever been in the earliest days postpartum. Maybe the third time around does that. It turned unexpectedly when I was rushed to emergency on day ten with major blood loss and an additional surgery. I wrote on it here:
I’m really so grateful to be alive. I’m grateful to be home. And despite spending days away from our littles, I’m grateful they were both so well cared for by our families during such a vulnerable period.
Fully feeling like myself again however, has felt so much further from reach. I’ve never felt so dependent. Unable to do simple things like freely walking up and down stairs, or making sudden movements.
So instead, I drew up an inspiration board of present things I want to notice and appreciate during this time:
Late nights of nursing and skin-to-skin. Seeing baby’s weight gain and wanting to capture these moments while also anticipating how her face will change! So far she has features from both her older sisters.
Fitting into my rings and watching my balloon-like hands and legs from the hospital fluids disappear.
Our daily love looks different again in this chapter. We’ve rarely had time as a couple to connect with Mike taking care of literally everything, alongside swapping care for each of our kids. But when we can, I’m taking note and appreciation. Through hand holding, checking in on how I’m feeling, filling up my water bottle, and our casual conversations — it’s all so simple; but reveals to me how much he is my absolute best friend.
Time to daydream. Time to let my brain rest. Time… hopefully to keep writing more regularly. Time to sing to my newborn.
Witnessing in real time my toddler maturing and becoming such an attentive and caring big sister. She’s always looking for her, expressing her desire to play with her, and wanting to help as she’s able. Despite facing such a big change and being away from us for multiple days at a time, seeing her interact with her baby sister has made my heart so full.
I am romanticizing the use of the mocha pot, hah. We won’t have very many trips to cafes in the near future, but a steaming mocha pot, and dimple mug of coffee on our wooden table sounds so good.
